SOCIALIZATION HAS RUINED LOVE FOR US

You know, Navigating the journey of a good life is fundamentally centered in the presence of Love.

Sometimes I imagine the world going through a massive cleanse, where what was not intended to be is all taken out, all the accumulated debris and rubbish we have created. I believe it was Kambili who had said in "Purple Hibiscus" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, that she wishes she could be tilted and all the rubbish come out of her. That’s what I wish would happen to the world SOMETIMES lol.

But Let's discuss this

What is your reality of love?

Is your love misdirected?

Do you know how to give love?

Who are you in love?

Have you recovered from lovelessness?

What would your love look like without socialization?

Is your love assertive?

Love in contemporary times feels like a complex terrain defined by strategies, rules, objections, and predetermined expectations.

While it is not false, that certain actions reflect a person’s care and love for you, at some unspoken levels we deny that we have neglected different facets of love and focused on what socialization has taught us Love is. Meanwhile, I just think we are just a frightened generation. A substantial part of the love that exists in present times is shrouded in fear and dishonesty. We are cloaked in the shadows of deep anxiety surrounding love. I’m afraid of the speed at which love is being replaced with fear. Frightening, I tell you!

When I have conversations about love, I realize we really are all so obsessed with love, whether as a lover of love or grappled in denial. I believe there are no genuine haters of love. They are either wounded or in denial. Love is intended to be primal in all of our lives. It is everywhere, it is in everything.

Speaking about the obvious gender segregation in the expressions of love feels like a threadbare discussion.  boring, yawning, sloppy, lazy in Abby Lee Miller’s voice lol. 

To those it has concerned, we have been going at it for decades, generation through generation, trying to understand the enigma, and endeavoring to fathom its depths.

It is no new news that women and men interpret, express, and see love differently. And surely this is not by biological determinism. I can only dream to understand the depth of this entirely but here is my theory. 

You do not know love if it has not been familiar. 

Just a few days ago I was so convinced and so sure hopelessness was for losers, people who were stuck in a victim mindset and just felt sorry for themselves and their lives. I felt uneasy about labeling anyone a loser, but I still felt strongly that I had a good message there. I recognized that my words inadvertently conveyed a condescending tone. My message was intended to be encouraging, to be more hopeful about things in life, but my delivery was flawed. 

Not long after it dawned on me that, Hope is a privilege, hope is an ingredient of love. I know hope because I have been privileged to be familiar with it. 

Deprivation of “tender love” is intricately intertwined with our socialized perception of masculinity for growing boys. There are so many rules that surround the way a man should express himself from childhood, if not from parents, it’ll come from mates, teachers, or strangers. Nobody minds their business, judgment everywhere!

It’s always been a minimized way of expressing everything, well except anger. Men can even get medals in rage-olympics.

I know times have changed of course, and there have been significant discussions on the issue of raising boys but there’s also no denying, that a prevailing societal perception still persists shaping our expectations on how men should express themselves. 

Take for instance, “The ick” become a popular onomatopoeic representation of a negative reaction to men doing very human things that just should not be done by men, I guess. While it might seem innocuous, these seemingly minor components play a role in the larger issue, my dear boys and girls. And I am, in no way blaming women for this connotation, it is everybody's fault. We have in some ways supported the idea that men's emotions should be presented in a certain way.

There’s so much more tenderness when it comes to expressing love and teaching girls about love. Perhaps this might be the compulsive force that drives us to be nurturing and loving. A lot of our upbringing was rooted in giving care, this was ingrained in our teachings consistently, we were taught this in every instance, It meant to be our life’s purpose. While I agree that giving love is a profound life purpose, it is not exclusive to just women. It is everyone’s life’s purpose. 

Women have always been familiar with care, Quoting Bell Hooks in her book All About Love “Love is as Love does”.

We shape into what we've encountered, absorbing what has been spoken into our lives, and we mold into reflections of those experiences. 

I don’t have many words to discuss this further, as it’s a widely discussed phenomenon. Let’s face it, we're on this topic every day.

The sole purpose of this blog post is the questions I have for you to help you figure out who you are in love and encourage you to give your love with hope. It is your love to give, YOUR LOVE O! Asin nobody get am with you. Feel confident in your love, for the things and people you love. Love is Assertive.

What is your reality of love?

Is your love misdirected?

Do you know how to give love?

Who are you in love?

Have you recovered from lovelessness?

Is your love assertive?

What directs your love?

What do you think your love would look like without socialization?

-CHIDERA TANANA

Photo by Delia Giandeini on Unsplash