God dey? Abi God no dey?

It is a very conflicting experience to contemplate that you do not want to believe in God anymore, but you also love God, and you also love Jesus. Yes, God and Jesus because I do perceive them differently.

Despite my misgivings about God, my love for Jesus remains firm, I have a deep love for Him. I feel as though, I see Him.

It is difficult to pinpoint the source of my love and appreciation for God, it has remained enigmatic-

Are they born from a genuine connection or socialization or are they rooted in a fear of judgment or the consuming void of nihilism?

Hope is all that life is, hope is life. Hopelessness is the death of a mind. Without hope, the mind withers and the soul languishes. There is mental and emotional death.

Contemplating distance from God who has long been a source of hope or harboring resentment towards Him feels so disorienting and distressing.

Disheartened by the way the feeling has sparked numerous troubling questions and uncertainties within. It is a sad realization that religion has now fostered many negative thoughts and questions in my mind.

Observing people find fulfillment in their newfound faith and love for God stirs so many mixed emotions. There is a familiar joy in their discovery, a joy I recognize intimately.

The feeling of fulfillment with knowing Him, I am familiar.

God has just gifted them HOPE, the best gift in the world, the priceless possession of humanity, the treasure beyond measure, HOPE. There is an envy of that hope and joy I know can only come from God, yet my mind is plagued by endless questions: Is hope enough?

I am struck by a poignant sense of longing—a feeling that I am somehow missing out on a profound and transformative experience.

It is not that I am not familiar with their joy, it is a dissonance that has kept my mind in a state of perpetual confusion.

When people assert that God has never failed them, do they genuinely believe it?

Or is it a means of reconciling feelings of abandonment by highlighting eventual triumphs and successes? Their moments of abandonment seem to fade in comparison to the later breakthroughs.

During moments of great hardship and adversity, wouldn't you view those as instances where He might have failed you?

Should the feelings of abandonment, sadness, and loss exist for His children if God is indeed infallible?

God is love- In my earthly understanding of love, love should be free from fear, yet the teachings implore us to fear God, to not question, to suppress the disquiet.

Many among us who harbor a deep sense of introspection and still maintain our love for God, have opted to pick through the gospel for what resonates with us, ignoring the troubling truths and questions that weigh on our hearts.

We pretend that there are not many unsettling truths about religion.

Most certainly my understanding of God is undoubtedly limited, akin to that of a tiny pawn in the vastness and complexity of divine understanding of existence and the world.

I have pondered these thoughts for a considerable time. I recall a revelation in my younger years reminding me of His words, "I am that I am," and the verse "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8).

The revelation brought satisfaction momentarily, but soon after there were more questions and they persisted.

Expressing these thoughts, I am afraid. I am afraid of questioning, I am afraid that I am ungrateful because I have privileges that do not exist for others.

Although, Gratitude unquestionably transformed my life and has gravely helped me relish the joys I do have.

However, it has also instilled an "at least" mindset: accepting less than desired because it could be worse. 

I do not want an “at least” life - but is that a possibility in a lifetime?-

The joys and sorrows of life co-exist. Uncertainty and inequality are inherent in life.

I am unsure about the premise of this piece of writing, but they are my thoughts.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash